Hello everyone,

I’m sure you’re all wondering, ‘Hey Adam, you’re amazing at being a cat owner as demonstrated by having 1 out of the 2 cats you have owned still alive and the one that died being very old for a cat.  What are your secrets?’

Well, even though you should just know how to be an amazing cat owner because it’s really easy here are my 10 secrets.

1) Talk to your cat
This is the easies thing to do.  Basically you should talk to your cat like it’s a person.  The person you are talking to does not speak English and will ignore you at all times.  The reason you should talk to your cat is so they know you are a superior being able to speak English.  I use the english language to speak to my kitten, you should too.
Talk to your cat

2) Feed your cat, cat food
This is a hard one, just yesterday Inari found out she likes bean juice. You must not let your kitten eat human food because it will definitely kill them.  The cat food I use is John West tuna steaks in spring water.
TUNA

3) Brush your cat
Cats not only enjoy being stoked, they also enjoy being stroked with a brush of some sort.  I use my nails.
Brush your cat

4) Use a tape measure
Cats need exercise.  Tape measures are a great way to encourage your cat to move.  Often your kitten will get tangled up and fall over occasionally doing a forward roll.  These are the best times.  I use a standard 1 metre tape.  You should use the metal ones but you work with what you have.
kitten with tape measure

5) Put it high
Cats need to be happy and one of the only ways they are happy is by being up high.  Make sure you have somewhere high you can place her so she’s be all ‘I am better than anyone else, worship me’  I use this thing in the picture below that Kia got for me.
Inari up high

6) Sleep
Cats need a lot of time to sleep.  Ensure your cat sleeps a lot by looking into her eyes and slowly closing your own eyes to make her fall asleep.  This definitely works.  I use my eyes, but you can use yours.
Make your cat fall asleep

7) Sing
Cats love the sound of my voice singing.  You should probably find a recording of my voice singing to play it to your cat.  I doubt they will like your voice as much but give it a go.  I sing Inari’s favourite song.  It goes like this.
‘Inari, your a cat ooooo, so cute.’
Singing to kitten

8) Clip her
Cats have claws, claws really hurt.  DO NOT USE HUMAN NAIL CLIPPERS.  Get some normal clippers.  If your cat is an outdoor cat you probably shouldn’t clip her nails in case she gets into fights with other cats.  You don’t want a rubbish fighter for a cat.  If you have a house cat you should clip her nails loads.  It’s quite funny because they don’t understand why they fall a lot. I use these circular ones that Matt bought.  Speak to him to find out more.

Inari derp

Why did I fall?

9 and 10) Give her away

Give your cat to me, I will keep her alive.

RIP Mr Smith

 

UPDATE: My brother seems to think he knows a thing or two about raising a cat.

Hello everyone,
So on Saturday I got a kitten.

Inari 1

She is a blue silver Somali which means she is a grey cat with a bushy tail and big ears.

Inari 2

She is amazing and has only poo’d on the floor once.

Inari 3
She enjoys stretching and sitting so we are basically soul mates

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She is called Inari because she will look a bit like a fox when grown up.
IMG_0052.JPGI am in love

Hello everyone,

Wasn’t it windy yesterday? I spent the whole day at home working until 8pm! Wait, no, wasn’t it windy on Friday?

When I finished work I went to meet Matthew and Melissa for port and tapas. I went out into the fierce wind and genuinely got hit in the ankle by a Christmas tree that flew out at me from behind a car. Jesus telling me I shouldn’t leave the house.
I got to the place about 4 minutes before them and went in to ask about a table, they had none available and we would have to sit at the bar.

” F-word that” Melissa said when I informed her.

What a waste of leaving the house you must be thinking.

No, it was not a waste I am telling you because I met a cat!

image

He was lovely and called Dykan if his tag was to be believed.

He followed me home and I was all what you doing Dylan?

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Then picked him up and did my usual but with a beard.

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Bye then

kitten

This is actually the type of kitten I’m getting

Earlier this year I was given the ‘gift’ of permission to get a cat. I have scoured the internets for kittens for sale and came across several that peaked my interest.

Several did, and so I started writing a few e-mails to some select advertisements.

Below is the basic exchange from all but 1 of my conversations.

ME: Hello, I am just wondering if the kitten you have advertised is still available?

THEM: Hello, I am so happy you are interested in one of my babies. They really are my babies and I love them so much. They are perfect angels with the hearts of Scottish independent fighters from the time when Braveheart happened.
I do hope you will love them as much as I do, but before I give you more details please can you tell me where my babies would be living and what sort of place they would be living in?

Dear_Sir_formal_letter_iStock_000004683049XSmall

ME: Erm… well it’s a house in Clapham split across 3 floors so lots of room to roam etc.

THEM: (About 1 minutes after I press send): That sounds like the perfect place for my babies, please tell me you are still interested in my babies I think you will love them and they will be with me forever in my heart. They are the most adorable creatures who are both brave and loving. They will be there for you at any time and will never leave your side through thick and thin.

I have recently moved to Australia so will be shipping them to you, please transfer £200 to this paypal account IHAVENOKITTEN@LYINGBASTARD.COM. I will use a pet transporter that doesn’t exist to get them to you.

ME: OK, this is a Scam.

THEM: SNED MONEY NOW OF THE KITTEN DIEZ

ME: No, bye then.

ME: Poor kitten
kitten is suspicious
So yeah, it wasn’t until I got an e-mail from a lady who basically said come around to my house to meet the kittens to see if you’re interested.

So I did….

COMING SOON, PART 2 of Adam is getting a cat

Hello everyone,

Today is a special day, 2 cat of the moments in one day!

My friend Kia mentioned she had a very special cat back home in Liverpool living with her Mum Julia.  I asked Julia to record the cat for me because going to Liverpool to see a cat seems a bit overkill.

I no longer think going to Liverpool to see a cat is overkill.  I must travel to Liverpool ASAP to see this beauty in action.

catfall5

Hello everyone, I went to a sherry bar and then came home.  On the way home I found this fella who was very happy to see me.
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This was the first time some of my friends have seen me do a cat of the moment so wanted in on the action this made me pull a manic face due to the unwelcome closeness to my find.
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Dog Show 1
This weekend Matthew decided to we’d go to the somethingth anniversary of Battersea Dog and cats home where all the dogs that were adopted or are available for adoption go to Battersea park and compete in strange contests.  One example was where the dog had to look like the owner, weirdly these guys didn’t enter.
Dog3

It was really upsetting though because even though it is called Battersea Dog and CATS home, there were no cats there so I got annoyed.  But then I saw Matt Johnson from the TV and twitter.

Matt Johnson

Matt Johnson from the tv.

Matt Johnson is really good because he is both from Wales and on TV, a feat not many can claim.

Look at how concerned he is about something.

Look at how concerned he is about something.

He is amazing, but he was only there for a bit and then left.

Sensing how upset I was, Lizzie drove us to the actual home rather than the park where I saw several cats.  I wasn’t allowed to touch any of them though which was ridiculous.  How am I supposed to take pictures with cats if I can’t get into their cells to pick them up?

Anyway, here are some other pictures of before we went to the cat and dog show.

Dogs Dog 5Dog5 Dog6

 

Hello Everyone,

Look who’s back!  I was working late I expect and came home to find this ginger and white cat again.  He must have recognised my because he basically leapt into my arms.White and Ginger

Look how comfortable he is –

White and ginger cat2

What a day!

 

I came across the below on my facebook feed, I decided that the world (and by world I mean whoever reads this) needs to see it.

It starts off and you think ‘Amazing, a cat version of she-wolf by Shakira’, but then you realise you’re wrong.

Well done the internet.

 

Bye

Hello Everyone,

Today I had a treat, I was outside my house doing something charitable and selfless when I came across an amazing cat.

Albino Cat 1

This cat can only be described as an Albino cat.  It didn’t have red eyes so all the benefits none of the cons.

 

Albino Cat 2She was very happy to have met me as I was to meet her.

Albino Cat 3It was so impressed with my phone cover which nicely displayed the time of 21:39 which is 9:39PM, which is 9:39 in the evening.

 

Bye then