I’m sure you’re all wondering, ‘Hey Adam, you’re amazing at being a cat owner as demonstrated by having 1 out of the 2 cats you have owned still alive and the one that died being very old for a cat. What are your secrets?’
Well, even though you should just know how to be an amazing cat owner because it’s really easy here are my 10 secrets.
1) Talk to your cat
This is the easies thing to do. Basically you should talk to your cat like it’s a person. The person you are talking to does not speak English and will ignore you at all times. The reason you should talk to your cat is so they know you are a superior being able to speak English. I use the english language to speak to my kitten, you should too.
2) Feed your cat, cat food
This is a hard one, just yesterday Inari found out she likes bean juice. You must not let your kitten eat human food because it will definitely kill them. The cat food I use is John West tuna steaks in spring water.
3) Brush your cat
Cats not only enjoy being stoked, they also enjoy being stroked with a brush of some sort. I use my nails.
4) Use a tape measure
Cats need exercise. Tape measures are a great way to encourage your cat to move. Often your kitten will get tangled up and fall over occasionally doing a forward roll. These are the best times. I use a standard 1 metre tape. You should use the metal ones but you work with what you have.
5) Put it high
Cats need to be happy and one of the only ways they are happy is by being up high. Make sure you have somewhere high you can place her so she’s be all ‘I am better than anyone else, worship me’ I use this thing in the picture below that Kia got for me.
Cats need a lot of time to sleep. Ensure your cat sleeps a lot by looking into her eyes and slowly closing your own eyes to make her fall asleep. This definitely works. I use my eyes, but you can use yours.
Cats love the sound of my voice singing. You should probably find a recording of my voice singing to play it to your cat. I doubt they will like your voice as much but give it a go. I sing Inari’s favourite song. It goes like this.
‘Inari, your a cat ooooo, so cute.’
8) Clip her
Cats have claws, claws really hurt. DO NOT USE HUMAN NAIL CLIPPERS. Get some normal clippers. If your cat is an outdoor cat you probably shouldn’t clip her nails in case she gets into fights with other cats. You don’t want a rubbish fighter for a cat. If you have a house cat you should clip her nails loads. It’s quite funny because they don’t understand why they fall a lot. I use these circular ones that Matt bought. Speak to him to find out more.
9 and 10) Give her away
Give your cat to me, I will keep her alive.
RIP Mr Smith
UPDATE: My brother seems to think he knows a thing or two about raising a cat.